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Despite being discouraged during pandemics, history shows the handshake has repeatedly returned, she told Nine to Noon in 2021 .
Al-Shamahi suggests humans persist with touch because it may serve functions — from exchanging subtle chemical signals to reducing stress.
And early bonding experiences, such as hugging caregivers, may explain why physical affection feels natural with just one parent, she adds.
Should I shake hands?
Jodie Bache-McLean has worked alongside the Australian June Dally-Watkins brand for more than four decades.
Supplied / Leah Desborough
Jodie Bache-McLean, Australia’s longest understudy to etiquette icon June Dally-Watkins, says a handshake traditionally signalled respect and trust in the business world — so much so that contracts were sealed with a handshake instead of paperwork.
But modern manners have shifted from formality to consideration. The goal now, Bache-McLean says, is to make others feel at ease, valued and respected. That starts with reading the room.
Pause when greeting someone. Take your cue from their body language. Observe how others interact with them. Do that, she says, and you already have a strong chance of getting it right.
If a handshake feels important — say, to establish rapport at work — consider waiting until the end of your greeting, once you’ve gauged their comfort. Keep your hands relaxed and visible. If in doubt, ask.
When do we hug or kiss on the cheek?
The appropriateness of a cheek kiss may be influenced by the culture and context you’re in. (Pictured is France’s Emmanuel Macron (right) giving a cheek kiss to Germany’s Angela Merkel on 22 January, 2019.)
Oliver Berg / dpa Picture-Alliance via AFP
With increasing awareness of the MeToo movement, consent (such as asking ‘would you like a hug?’) is a part of modern manners too, Bache-McLean says.
“We have to either be invited or have asked permission [into someone’s personal space].”
American journalist Nick Leighton, co-host of the manners podcast Were You Raised by Wolves?
Gauge a person’s body language before going in for a hug, and asking them is good manners too. (file image)
Unsplash / A.C.
His advice is to choose the least presumptive option that still acknowledges the other person.
Start small: A nod, wave or verbal greeting can always be warmed up later. Familiarity and intimacy tend to grow together over time — from a handshake to a hug, or not at all — depending on context, power dynamics, culture and personal comfort, he says.
“A universal principle with all greetings is that we don’t want surprises,” Leighton says. “When in doubt, wait for the other person to take the lead.”
That’s especially true of gestures like cheek kissing or hugging, which may be perfectly normal in some cultures and uncomfortable in others.
What if I don’t want to shake hands or hug?
There are many reasons someone may avoid physical greetings: religion, health, trauma or personal comfort. Some Muslim men and women, for example, may place a hand on their heart – as a sign of accepting a greeting – instead of shaking hands.
Mariam Bahar says she feels at home in Melbourne, not like it’s another foreign country.
Supplied
Mariam Bahar, a former Auckland kura teacher and now working at an Islamic school in Melbourne, says being in a place of greater cultural awareness has made it easier to express how she wants to be greeted.
“Even if I go outside and work with other non-Islamic schools [in Melbourne], it’s just very easy for me to put my hand on my chest and they just know immediately. I’ve actually never had anyone approach me to shake my hand [in Melbourne], which has been quite refreshing.”
While she’s been affectionate with students she knew well here, she also taught them that may not be the case for all Muslim women – so it’s better to let the recipient take the lead.
Covid helped normalise alternative greetings for people not comfortable with physical greetings. (file image)
Unsplash / Ashkan Forouzani
If someone tells you they don’t shake hands or hug, you should respect it, Bache-McLean says. The modern etiquette rule is to “get curious, not furious”.
When rejection is done kindly and with integrity, there may be a jolt reaction at first, but “acceptance will come”, she says. If someone still takes offense, then that could be a sign for you about that person.
Covid helped normalise alternatives and made people more mindful of personal space, Bache-McLean adds. She often used a namaste gesture during the pandemic — and still does when she’s unsure of cultural expectations.
When someone is reluctant, journalist Leighton advises a friendly wave can feel far warmer than a limp shake.
A friendly wave can feel more warm than giving an unenthusiastic handshake. (file image)
Unsplash / Getty Images
What about work?
In professional settings, the handshake remains the default — unless there’s a clear signal otherwise, Leighton says.
“In a professional setting, we also just need to be mindful of the ways greetings and gestures can be misinterpreted. That’s why – unless you really know your colleague well and you really have this sort of relationship – we’re not hugging colleagues, because there’s always power dynamics involved in greetings.”
If you’re a “hug person”, that doesn’t entitle you to assume others are, Bache-McLean warns. Asking — “Are you a hugger?” — gives people agency and often makes them more comfortable with whatever option they choose.
The tikanga of a hongi
From a Māori worldview, performing a hongi is an act of spiritual connection. (Pictured is Prince Harry and a kaumātua performing a hongi at Government House on 28 October, 2018.)
AFP / Marty Melville
A hongi , common in settings such as tight-knit communities, marae , pōwhiri or workplace mihi whakatau , represents spiritual connection and mutual trust, Māori tikanga expert Karaitiana Taiuru says.
It originally involves pressing of the noses and inhaling each other’s air, he says, but that has been lost over time. Now, some may perform a hongi which involves the touching of foreheads or pressing of noses twice.
“I guess if you’re in a big meeting, it’s not unusual to have like 50 people in a line to do a hongi , then some people just want to quicken up the process and do that.”
If you’re unsure, seek guidance from cultural advisors or follow the lead of your hosts.
When it goes wrong
As long as you have good intentions, people are usually understanding, Leighton says. Acknowledge it, apologise and move on.
A bit of humour can help defuse the moment, Bache-McLean says, but don’t ignore discomfort.
“If you notice that you go in for a hug with someone and they freeze, almost like a statue, I think acknowledging that and saying, ‘oh, sorry, I won’t do it again, you’re a handshake kind of guy or kind of gal’.
“Or if you notice someone is a bit awkward, you should be the one that goes, ‘I’m sorry, I should have asked if you were a hugger’.”
And if touch crosses a line — becoming sexual, invasive or unwelcome — that’s no longer about etiquette. That’s when you assert your boundaries, remove yourself if necessary, and seek support, Bache-McLean says.
