.
The phrase sounds like something one might impulsively say if one were completely fed up with one’s child. It’s in stark contrast to the predominant parenting style of millennials, who were taught to acknowledge their child’s every feeling and dissolve tantrums by co-regulating with their own calm, anchored emotions.
What is FAFO parenting?
The slang acronym (pronounced faf-oh) likely comes from gang culture in America, according to Urban Dictionary. Merriam-Webster’s Dictionary describes it as an expression of warning.
When it comes to parenting, FAFO focuses on children experiencing the natural consequences of their actions, according to parenting coach Justine Lamont, who runs the Calm Connected Tweens & Teens Summit. A FAFO parent might say something like “Don’t want to put a jacket on? Fine. Don’t come crying when you are cold”.
“It’s got a slightly manipulative or maybe even cynical kind of twist in there, which I think is unfortunate.”
Parenting coach Justine Lamond from Good to Great Parenting.
Caroline Jack
Gentle parenting, on the other hand, focuses on “putting emotional connection and emotional support as a key aspect of parenting, so kind of putting that above all else,” says Dr Megan Gath, a senior lecturer of developmental psychology at the University of Canterbury.
Textbook gentle parenting should come with firm boundaries, but that isn’t always the case, Gath added.
“… I think, yes, sometimes the way gentle parenting people think about it now is… a lack of boundaries or sometimes an avoidance of consequences, a fear of being too harsh.”
How did we get here?
In the 1980s, parenting began moving away from the “corporal punishment” style that included physical discipline like hitting and smacking, says Lamont.
A popular phrase in the 1990s was “praise the good and punish the bad”, and “time out” became a popular alternative to smacking, she added.
The 1990s also ushered in an era of overprotection from parents, says Gath. This meant “not letting their child have that kind of independence and engage in that type of risky play that is actually really, really important for child development”.
Modern parents are incredibly introspective, constantly interrogating how their parents parented and how that impacted them as adults, says Gath.
When it comes to gentle parenting, “you always have to be validating your child and always there, constantly supporting them… and parents get a bit burnt out,” she added.
Add some FAFO to gentle parenting
For Jenny Hale, the head parenting coach at the Parenting Place, FAFO sounds like a style that lacks emotional support for the child, which a large body of research has shown children need, she says.
Jenny Hale is a senior parenting coach at the Parenting Place.
supplied
“What I probably see is a parent taking too long to get there, to set a limit, that they are emotionally exhausted and they can’t offer the support, and I think a better way is to set a limit earlier…”
She gave the example of a child who was desperate to go to the mall for something, with a parent trying to avoid a tantrum by redirecting, reasoning, and not clearly saying ‘no’.
“… say early in the day, ‘We’re not going to make a trip to the mall today’.
“… Let a child be absolutely berserk about it and mad about it, but be firm in it and offer the emotional support which goes alongside it.”
That means being able to say something like “I know you’re really disappointed about that. You had your heart set on it, and I get that,” says Hale.
“Because the research shows that if we just set boundaries, but there’s no emotional connection or support, there’s a real disconnectedness, and children don’t do all that well if they feel disconnected.”
Parents should allow their child to experience safe and age-appropriate consequences for their decision, like letting them test the deep end of a pool if they can’t swim well. Instead, let them forget their PE or swimming gear if you reminded them to pack their school bag the night before.
“The adult brain is the mature brain. We’ve got the capacity. That ability gets us into the prefrontal cortex [the executive function area of the brain], and we can lend that to them…”
Sifting through a mountain of parenting advice
Hale has been coaching parents for more than two decades. She finds many of the parents she helps have lost their confidence and “mana ,” meaning authority and force of spirit.
“It’s the continual searching for the right thing that maybe leaves parents feeling drained and overwhelmed and unsure of what to do.”
The parents she sees are perhaps too engaged with how they parent their kids. Sometimes her advice is to put down that new parenting book and take a time out from parenting advice from social media. That includes telling them not to read her book Kind, Firm and Calm.
“… I’m trying to take parents from feeling like ‘I’ve got ten things I need to be weaving into my parenting’, and I might say ‘let’s just do two’.”
Despite the constant and catchy parenting phrases, evidence-based parenting advice has remained largely unchanged in recent decades, says Gath. That’s why it is important to take cues from experts who anchor their advice in research that has been confirmed again and again, she added.
“It is having this parenting style that combines the two key factors of having warmth and emotional support… but also providing firm, clear and consistent boundaries for the child.”
