.
When frequency becomes an issue
Isiah McKimmie, a couples therapist and sexologist based in Brisbane/Meanjin, says mismatched desire is the most common issue she helps couples with.
When there is a desire imbalance in a relationship, she says people can become worried about what that means.
McKimmie says there are many things that can contribute to mismatched desire, including uneven mental load, stress, tiredness and overwhelm, arguments, illness, and changes to our bodies such as pregnancy and hormonal shifts as we age.
She says some people may find sex really accessible and easy, while their partner may face more barriers, such as sex not being as pleasurable for them.
Couples are sometimes surprised when desire drops off, or fluctuates, as a relationship progresses, McKimmie says.
“People will often compare with frequency at the start of a relationship, and that being the ideal … and that starts to inform their expectations,” she says.
“The discrepancy can feel quite stressful … there’s a longing for it to be as it was at the start.”
What informs our idea of ‘normal’?
Whether it’s TV shows or what our friends say, we pick up an idea of “normal” sex frequency from lots of places.
“Obviously what we see in the media is not a realistic reflection,” McKimmie says.
But there is a correlation between couples who have satisfying relationships and sex lives — and for many that includes regular sex, she says.
“However, more sex doesn’t necessarily make people happier, and less sex — if both partners are OK with that — doesn’t necessarily make them unhappier.”
Mourikis says on average, couples tend to say between one and three times a week feels good for them.
But it’s important frequency doesn’t become the “only measure of what a good sex life is,” she says.
A couple might be having sex frequently, but for one or both parties it feels obligatory, or painful, or unfulfilling, Mourikis says as an example.
Shifting your focus
Mourikis says more helpful indicators of a satisfying sex life may include:
Is sex pleasurable?
How are you communicating about sex?
Is there room for people to express their desires and limits?
Can somebody receive a no?
Can someone say no?
Is there variety and novelty, if that’s important to you?
Does it feel like you are following a script, or can you have a “choose your own adventure” and decide what kind of sex you feel like in that moment?
What are the reasons behind having sex? Is it connection? To explore? For fun? To bond? To cope with stress? To feel something — like alive or energised? Feeling desired? Expressing desire or love or appreciation?
McKimmie says focusing on what feels “good and satisfying” for both you and your partner, and making sure everyone is engaging willingly, is more important than quantity.
She says redefining “what counts” as sex can also be helpful.
“Especially in heterosexual relationships, we have this idea sex has to be penetration … and should end in orgasm for one or both people,” she says.
“There are lots of different things that could actually be considered sex — such as oral sex, mutual masturbation, just engaging in all of those things we consider foreplay.”
Mourikis says many people think of a sexual staircase, where there are things you are working towards (like penetration and orgasm), and that can be “really limiting”.
Mourikis says that creates an opportunity to focus on what feels interesting, new and pleasurable “outside of penetration”.
“Is it that people are present? Is it about connection, expression or vulnerability?”
Recognising different people have all kinds of sex can help reframe your thinking, Mourikis says.
“How we think about sex actually comes from society and culture … look at who that doesn’t really include,” she says.
“Queer people, people with pain, disabled people. A lot of ‘sex equals penetration’ excludes so many.”
McKimmie says to keep in mind sex and sexual frequency often fit into a broader context of the relationship.
“There’s often a focus on sex, but sometimes what relationships need is more focus on connection and healthy communication, which then also sets couples up for better sex.”
