Source: The Conversation (Au and NZ) – By Vanessa Cobham, Professor of Clinical Psychology, The University of Queensland
As the community begins to grapple with the horror and tragedy of the Bondi shootings on Sunday, children will likely have questions. Parents may also be wondering how to talk to their little kids and teenagers about what happened.
I am a clinical psychologist and researcher with a focus on children, anxiety and post-traumatic stress. Here are some things to keep in mind when talking to children about the tragedy in Bondi (though many of these apply to any bad thing happening in the world).
Answer truthfully
When your child asks you a question, it’s better to be honest, even if the answer is hard to give or you’re worried about their reaction.
There is a lot of information and misinformation swirling around. Kids need to feel like they can trust what parents are saying to them.
It’s also possible kids will have ideas in their heads about what happened that are even worse than the reality. So, it’s important to find out what they think they already know (perhaps from things they have heard from friends or seen online) and gently correct any misinformation.Give kids your full attention
If kids want to ask questions, give them your full attention.
In a situation like this, we are all distressed. Unless you are listening carefully, you might miss the bit your child is actually worried about.
Avoid providing unnecessary information
The information you know or might be interested in knowing is going to be different to the information your child wants to know. Follow their lead.
You will need to use your expert knowledge of your own child to know how to best “pitch” the information you provide. Here are examples of the sort of words you might use.
For preschool and very early school-aged children, you could say:
some bad men used guns to shoot some people near the beach in Sydney. The police and doctors are helping the people who were hurt and the men who did the shooting have been taken away so they can’t hurt anyone else.
For primary school children, you could say:
two men went to Bondi beach in Sydney and shot at people who were celebrating a religious festival. One of the shooters was killed and the other is under police guard. Some people were killed and some more were badly hurt. They are in hospital where medical staff are working as hard as they can to make sure they are OK. The police are also working really hard to understand why and how this happened and to try and make sure it doesn’t happen again.
For high school children, you can add more detail:
two men went to a Jewish religious celebration at Bondi beach in Sydney and shot guns at the crowds of people there. Sixteen people have been killed and more people have been injured and are in hospital. One of the shooters has been killed and the other one is under police guard. The police and security agencies are investigating why and how this happened. There’s also a political debate now about gun control in Australia.
At the moment, while we are still waiting for a lot of information, it’s OK to say, “I don’t know, but as we learn more, I can get back to you on that”.
Validate their feelings
Validating kids’ feelings is always really important, but especially at a time like this. For example, “Yes, I understand you’re scared. What happened is really scary”.
While you don’t want to frighten kids, something horrendous has happened – we don’t want to dismiss it. If it is on kids’ minds, it’s important they have the chance to talk about and make sense of what has happened.
Start the conversation if needs be
Unless your kids are very small and you’re very confident they won’t have heard about the shootings at daycare or preschool, it may be worth asking your child what they know: “Have you heard anything about what happened in Sydney?”
Then kids can ask what they need and parents can figure out what their child or young person thinks they know. A good alternative to talking, especially for young kids, might be drawing.
If they don’t need to talk though, that’s OK. It’s possible they might need to next week. It’s also possible it’s not really on their radar. Again, follow their lead.
Focus on the good and brave people
Encourage your kids to think about the many helpful and brave things people did and continue to do around this tragedy. Police, paramedics, doctors, nurses and bystanders all stepped in and did incredible things to help.
We don’t want kids to come away thinking all people are bad and want to hurt each other. The truth is, most people would not chose to hurt each other and instead would chose to help.
It’s OK for kids to see you are sad
This tragedy is devastating – even if you haven’t been directly impacted. It’s absolutely OK for parents to show they are distressed by what has happened – as long as kids are also seeing their parents manage their distress constructively. For example, going for a walk or talking to friends.
Put it in context
We know, tragically, at least one child has died. So it is quite reasonable for kids to be worried about their own safety. Could this happen to me? Or near me?
You can point out, “the world is a place where sometimes dangerous things happen. But the world is not always a dangerous place”.
You could also say, “part of the reason we are all so devastated is it’s an incredibly unusual event. This is not something that happens every week or even every year.”
And you can come back to how the community is uniting against these shootings. Our emergency responders are helping and police are trying to make sure it does not happen again.
Don’t have the news on a loop
Some families may find it helpful to watch the news together. That way you can ask questions and discuss things.
But its also important to take a break and not consume large amounts of media on an endless loop, as this is not good for wellbeing.
Keep in mind, for younger children, if they keep seeing the footage, they may think this is happening in real time and happening repeatedly. Make sure younger children understand that the shooting is over, and – where appropriate – where it happened in relation to where they live.
Is there anything we can do?
Consider is there anything you can usefully do, either individually or as a family. Do you have Jewish friends you can check in with? Can you show your support and your care in some other way? If you are eligible to donate blood, this is one of the most useful things you could do, and it’s a great example to your kids.
This is a moment to provide our kids with a model of unity. We are all devastated in the face of an horrific act of divisiveness and hatred – this is not the country we want to be. Australia is united in supporting the Jewish community.
If this article has raised issues for you, or if you’re concerned about someone you know, call Lifeline on 13 11 14 or Kids Helpline on 1800 55 1800.
Vanessa Cobham does not work for, consult, own shares in or receive funding from any company or organisation that would benefit from this article, and has disclosed no relevant affiliations beyond their academic appointment.
– ref. How can parents talk to their kids about the Bondi terror attack? – https://theconversation.com/how-can-parents-talk-to-their-kids-about-the-bondi-terror-attack-272056
